Category: Satire

(HoratianTimes.com) Shortly after news broke that Trump aides were seen moving boxes at Mar-a-Lago a day before the DOJ showed up searching for top secret documents, another informant surfaced with information that could put ex-President Trump in even further legal peril.

And this time, calligraphy pens were involved.

A groundskeeper has told authorities that in the month leading up to the DOJ raid, two dozen Hassidic scribes were seen frequently entering the Mar-a-Lago compound around dawn and not leaving until well after dark.

“24, 25 of them easily, I think,” the groundskeeper said. “They go it, hands clean. They come out, hands black with ink. And very tired.

“For a month they do this, maybe more. It was strange, even for Florida,” the groundskeeper said.

-You can read the complete article at:
https://horatiantimes.com/satire/trumps-secret-document-mess-gets-a-little-prettier/

(HoratianTimes.com) When news broke earlier this week that former America’s Mayor Rudy Giuliani was being sued for sexual assault and harassment, one of the claims that surfaced was that both he and former-President Trump had engaged in a plot to charge $2 million for pardons.

What was not commonly reported, however, was that this was merely the tip of the iceberg when it came to the two men’s plans to milk the waning days of the administration for cash.

“A lot of the people who approached us, they had been through some things. Bad, bad things,” said one of Giuliani’s top aides at the time. “You’re in jail, or have had to pay huge fines… You don’t have $2 million kicking around, you know? But I bet you have a little something tucked away, and we were always willing to deal.”

-You can read the complete article at:
https://horatiantimes.com/satire/2-million-pardons-were-but-one-element-of-trump-administration-fire-sale/

(HoratianTimes.com) Amidst the indictments and murders and muggings and firings and wildfires and arrests and accidental racism and sports highlights and celebrity gossip, a truly profound event happened last month that went almost unnoticed by the press.

Unnoticed, that is, except for Buck Bomhower, editor of the Better Bunker Times.

“We usually do a ‘mass murder of the day’ feature on our website, highlighting the previous day’s mass shootings, mass vehicular homicides, mass chainsawings, that sort of thing,” Editor Buck said. “It’s not to glamorize it or anything, mind you, but more to point out how dangerous these times are.

“Dangerous to the point where you should be constantly bulk buying guns, ammo, shelf-stable foods, and other prepper equipment. All of which are available on BetterBunkerTimes.com. Mention Bucky sent you and get 10% off our Zombie Napalm, all sizes!”

“So anyways, I get to 4/20/23 and start looking through the news, and I go ‘huh’. There weren’t no mass murderings on 4/19/23. Not a one. Tell me that’s not weird,” Editor Buck said.

-You can read the complete article at:
http://horatiantimes.com/satire/mass-shootings-take-a-day-off-stun-america/

(PenrosePapers.com) Add “Asshole of the Year” to Rand Paul’s collection of dubious achievements. The Kentucky senator was chosen by Anal Health Monthly’s subscriber base as their 2021 Asshole of the Year.

Where past years have seen close contests – Mitch McConnell won in 2020, barely beating out President Donald Trump, AG William Barr, and several Republican governors – Paul was the overwhelming favorite of this year’s voters.

“With Rand Paul, it’s a little bit of everything,” says AHM’s Senior Editor Brad Sailor. “It’s voting against legislation for the poor, or coronavirus, purely for political grandstanding purposes. It’s his attacks on women, the transgendered. It’s holding up an anti-lynching bill, or being an anti-vaxxer and a doctor in the midst of a pandemic.

“We’re with his neighbor on this one: Rand Paul is one huge asshole.”

In addition to bragging rights, the Asshole of the Year designation comes with a lifetime subscription to Anal Health Monthly magazine and a statuette that we can’t show on our website.

Congratulations Senator Paul!

-This article originally appeared on Penrosepapers.com.

(PenrosePapers.com) When freshman Georgia Republican Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene stood and approached the floor of the House on Wednesday, a collective bipartisan groan rippled through the chamber. But Greene’s intention wasn’t to call for yet another adjournment as she had over and over in recent days.

This time Representative Greene had legislation to propose.

Wearing a “Densa Trumps Mensa” mask and adopting a Dr. Suess-style rhyming cadence, Representative Greene proposed that Congress enact legislation to fix Daylight Savings Time. Unlike other bills before Congress that seek to stop the twice-yearly changing of clocks, however, Greene’s bill would take the U.S. in the opposite direction.

“Representative Greene essentially wants the U.S. to start changing their collective clocks every three weeks,” says someone close to the Georgia representative. “America is getting too complacent with the liberal status quo. Representative Greene feels we need to go back to an air of constant uncertainty when our country was truly great. You know, like the Trump years.”

-You can read the complete article at:
https://www.penrosepapers.com/clock-blocked-mtg-proposes-major-changes-to-dst/

(PenrosePapers.com) Rand Paul wants a crack at Jimmy Carter.

For Ted Cruz, only JFK will do.

And Lindsey Graham – perhaps channeling a certain golfing buddy – thinks Clinton should be given a second go-round.

Even before Trump’s second impeachment has ended, a fresh schism has broken out in Republican Senate ranks over which past Democratic ex-President should be impeached first. And if history is any, uh… wait. What?

-You can read the complete article at:
https://www.penrosepapers.com/future-ex-president-impeachment-schemes-fuel-latest-gop-schism/

It’s not just any golf cart, but a tricked-out cart with a cooler, hi-fi stereo system, Trump flag, and deactivated Twitter access that is rumored to reach speeds in excess of 25 miles per hour. It even has a name: Golf Cart One.

https://www.penrosepapers.com/trump-to-depart-dc-in-golf-cart-one/

The 2020 Donald J. Trump Participation Trophy Bill would award every U.S. citizen who survived the year with a luxurious faux-gold leaf trophy suitable for display on bookshelves, coffee tables, or homemade shrines.

Senate to Vote on Participation Trophies for All Americans