Category: Satire

Rand Paul Lands Anal Health Monthly Honor

(PenrosePapers.com) Add “Asshole of the Year” to Rand Paul’s collection of dubious achievements. The Kentucky senator was chosen by Anal Health Monthly’s subscriber base as their 2021 Asshole of the Year.

Where past years have seen close contests – Mitch McConnell won in 2020, barely beating out President Donald Trump, AG William Barr, and several Republican governors – Paul was the overwhelming favorite of this year’s voters.

“With Rand Paul, it’s a little bit of everything,” says AHM’s Senior Editor Brad Sailor. “It’s voting against legislation for the poor, or coronavirus, purely for political grandstanding purposes. It’s his attacks on women, the transgendered. It’s holding up an anti-lynching bill, or being an anti-vaxxer and a doctor in the midst of a pandemic.

“We’re with his neighbor on this one: Rand Paul is one huge asshole.”

In addition to bragging rights, the Asshole of the Year designation comes with a lifetime subscription to Anal Health Monthly magazine and a statuette that we can’t show on our website.

Congratulations Senator Paul!

-This article originally appeared on Penrosepapers.com.

Clock Blocked: MTG Proposes Major Changes to DST

(PenrosePapers.com) When freshman Georgia Republican Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene stood and approached the floor of the House on Wednesday, a collective bipartisan groan rippled through the chamber. But Greene’s intention wasn’t to call for yet another adjournment as she had over and over in recent days.

This time Representative Greene had legislation to propose.

Wearing a “Densa Trumps Mensa” mask and adopting a Dr. Suess-style rhyming cadence, Representative Greene proposed that Congress enact legislation to fix Daylight Savings Time. Unlike other bills before Congress that seek to stop the twice-yearly changing of clocks, however, Greene’s bill would take the U.S. in the opposite direction.

“Representative Greene essentially wants the U.S. to start changing their collective clocks every three weeks,” says someone close to the Georgia representative. “America is getting too complacent with the liberal status quo. Representative Greene feels we need to go back to an air of constant uncertainty when our country was truly great. You know, like the Trump years.”

-You can read the complete article at:
https://www.penrosepapers.com/clock-blocked-mtg-proposes-major-changes-to-dst/

Future Ex-President Impeachment Schemes Fuel Latest GOP Schism

(PenrosePapers.com) Rand Paul wants a crack at Jimmy Carter.

For Ted Cruz, only JFK will do.

And Lindsey Graham – perhaps channeling a certain golfing buddy – thinks Clinton should be given a second go-round.

Even before Trump’s second impeachment has ended, a fresh schism has broken out in Republican Senate ranks over which past Democratic ex-President should be impeached first. And if history is any, uh… wait. What?

-You can read the complete article at:
https://www.penrosepapers.com/future-ex-president-impeachment-schemes-fuel-latest-gop-schism/

Trump to Depart DC in Golf Cart One

It’s not just any golf cart, but a tricked-out cart with a cooler, hi-fi stereo system, Trump flag, and deactivated Twitter access that is rumored to reach speeds in excess of 25 miles per hour. It even has a name: Golf Cart One.

https://www.penrosepapers.com/trump-to-depart-dc-in-golf-cart-one/

Senate to Vote on Participation Trophies for All Americans

The 2020 Donald J. Trump Participation Trophy Bill would award every U.S. citizen who survived the year with a luxurious faux-gold leaf trophy suitable for display on bookshelves, coffee tables, or homemade shrines.

Senate to Vote on Participation Trophies for All Americans

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